Resident Evil Pasts
by Krostko the Saiyaryl
Summary: A collection of stories about our favourite heroes and villains when they were young. See Wesker get forced to taste Beer as punishment, Chris think STARS involves astronomy, and Alfred eat industrial adhesive until Alexia gets mad. M for several reasons.
1. 1988: Claire and Chris

Resident Evil pasts: The stories of yesterday.

Chapter 1: The Redfields.1988

Chris Redfield was packing his bags to leave for STARS training as Claire was getting ready to sabotage the brakes on their neighbors car.

"Chris, where are you going?" asked Claire.

"I'm going to join S.T.A.R.S.!" said Chris.

"What's S.T.A.R.S.? asked Claire.

"I think it means "Slightly Trained Awesome Retarded Stargazers", you know, the astronomical stuff," said Chris.

"You're going to be an astronomer?"

"Yes, I've always wanted to be an astronomer," said Chris.

"But Chris, when will I see you again?" asked Claire.

"It probably won't be all that long when that's gonna happen, but while I'm away, don't be bad or continue that that 'hobby' of yours," said Chris.

"You mean crank calling the old lady down the street using voice recordings of dad talking to mom before they got married?" asked Claire while laughing.

"Yes, remember last week when the recording was dad's proposal?" asked Chris.

"He's still in the hospital for 3 more weeks after she ran him over with her car," said Claire.

"If he dies, mom will run away, she told me. If anyone asks, they died in a car crash," said Chris.

"I'm going to follow in dad's footsteps, become a dangerous food and weapons tester," said Claire happily.

"Let's… not do that, why not be like mom?" asked Chris.

"She was a hooker at 15 and became a 'paid' slot-jockey 4 years after, and that's why it's best we just say she's dead," said Claire.

"Well the point is don't be bad," said Chris.

"Okay, now if you'll excuse me, I need to sabotage the Ambrosia's car breaks then poison… I mean spice up Uncle Charles' chicken," explained Claire.

"Claire, when my first S.T.A.R.S. meeting is done, you'd better not be in juvie!" said Chris.

"Don't worry," said Claire.

Chris was walking out the door when Mrs. Redfield nearly slashed him thinking he was a burglar.

"Mom, lay off the booze, that's the twelfth time today," said Chris.

"Sorry, where are you going?" asked Mrs. Redfield.

"I told you 27 times, S.T.A.R.S.," said Chris.

"An astronomer?" asked Mrs. Redfield.

"Ye… Claire are you doing?" asked Chris.

"Nothing," said Claire pointing a rocket launcher at the trajectory of Hawaii, to fulfill her ambition of becoming the dictator of said-state. (No one knows where the hell she got it as a 10 year-old.)

"Whatever," said Chris. (With Claire around, be careful Planet Earth.)


	2. 1982: Ashfords

Chapter 2: The Ashfords: 1982

Alexia is watching "Do Shut Up" which is a retarded British sitcom and Alfred is creating cruddy rifles out of wood and caulk, which he can't resist eating.

"This is some good cheese. Try it Alexia!" said Alfred. "Okay, let's taste it!" said Alexia.

Alexia tastes the caulk thinking its cheese and then looks at the tube.

"Alfred, this is my industrial caulk, you poisoned me!" screamed Alexia.

"No, Alexia, you've got the wrong guy, this is sticky cheese, this is a cock!!" said Alfred nearly pulling his pants off.

"Don't show me your Ding-a ling!" said Alexia.

Alfred suddenly pulls a rooster out of his pants.

"Why the hell is there a rooster in your pants?" asked Alexia.

"He's my buddy," said Alfred.

"You're feeding him my industrial high strength adhesive known as the_ Alfred keep your bloody hands off of_ _my_ _caulk_!" said Alexia.

"You're a girl, you wouldn't know what a cock feels like, you lack one!" said Alfred.

"I don't want to know about your thing, I know enough already," said Alexia in a disgusted voice.

"Well, I'm Alfred Ashford and I say you don't, I look gay but I am not, now look!" said Alfred.

"Well I'm Alexia Ashford and I say "No seeing my brothers penis!" said Alexia.

"What's this about?" said Alfred.

"You're going to try having sodding relations with me again!" Alexia screeched.

"What's this about?" asked Alfred repeating himself.

"Our sex is twincest, which is wrong, so uh, not happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh come on Alexia, it never bothered you before," complained Alfred as a sodding idiot.

"Try it and see what happens!!!" said Alexia attempting to turn Alfred's attention to "Do Shut Up".

"Jolly sodding X-Mas Major, now choke on it!!!!!" said the British guy while smashing a beer bottle on his friend.

"Let's try it Alfred!" said Alexia grinning.

"Woohoo!!!!!" said Alfred.

They go in the kitchen and Alexia smashes beer bottles over Alfred's head for 5 hours when Alexander walks in and screams at Alexia, "Alexia Veronica Ashford, I didn't mind you sneaking your own missiles into Cuba and stealing all theirs, or when you destroyed Indiana which is still DEVESTATED, or even when you killed your mother i.e. my slut, butt when you mess with my beer, it's on!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Alexia and Alfred stared at each other and nodded. Alexander was going down.

And that's the end of that chapter…


	3. 1973: Brad Vickers

Chapter 3: Brad Vickers: 1973

Brad was walking into the kitchen when suddenly…

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" was screamed in Brad's face by his dad SOOOOO loudly.

"What the fuck was that all about!!!!!" screamed Brad.

"BRAD!!!!!!! No swearing in this house, and Chad, stop scaring the life out of Brad," yelled Jade Vickers.

"Okay Jade, I'll…

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

said Chad.

"What is your problem Dad?!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Brad.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Chad.

"AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" yelled Brad running away.

Later that night…

"Stupid Dad, always scaring me, I've got to get revenge… and I think I know how," said Brad.

Brad takes a bunch of metal, power tools, and his dad's diary (A Girl's diary) and starts crafting.

Meanwhile…

"Chad, why do you hate Brad so much?" asked Jade.

"Oh, you're overreacting…"

"He's a 10 year old child, and you're scaring him to death," interrupted Jade.

"Oh, it's a game and he knows I'm just playing," said Chad.

"Oh really?" asked Jade.

She takes the phone and dials the no. for Brad's room, which is 666-6666 (That frightens Brad)

The answering machine responds cowardly, "Hi, I'm Brad Vickers. I'm rather not here at the moment or hiding from my Dad, because he frightens me, for heavens sake, he thinks I think we're playing but I don't. If this is Dad, please don't ever look at me again, after all, Restraining Order will be my next answer. Please leave a message."

"Oh so what!" said Chad.

"Forget it," said Jade going into the attic grabbing metal, power tools, wood, ammunition, and a guide to weapons craft.

12 hours of creation passed.

"Brad, I have a birthday present for you," yelled Jade from downstairs.

Brad runs downstairs holding his secret creation.

"Why didn't you give it to me on my birthday yesterday?!!" asked Brad.

"Just never mind, here you go," said Jade giving Brad a shotgun.

"I already made this," said Brad holding up a picture of his dad's greatest fear, Brad laughing at his dad's attempt to scare him.

Chad walks in.

"Holy Hell, Brad!!!!" screamed his dad in extreme fear.

"Well here's something!" said Brad wildly shooting towards his dad.

Brad accidently blows Chad's head off.

"He's dead," said Jade.

"Peace!!" said Brad.

From this point on, Brad Vickers was still a chicken, but at least his dad's not around to torment him.


	4. 1964: Albert Wesker

Chapter 4: Albert Wesker: 1964

Wesker's dad is watching the TV while young Albert is listening to an adult's radio show for ages 17+, which you can imagine is incredibly sexual!

"Albert Wesker, turn off that hot radio show now!!!" yelled his father.

The radio is playing full blast. It says, "Don't you love it when your girlfriend tries to seduce you in order for you do obey her command, I mean, it doesn't work because you're probably too seduced and "busy staring" to give a care."

"Yeah, that is awesome when my… Albert, turn that racket down, or you'll taste this good as hell, uh I mean, freaking terrible magic potion!!" screamed Mr. Wesker.

"But I like the "Super Hotness Sex Weekend Show", its top rated by the highest qualified sexperts in the sex committee," whined young Albert Wesker.

"I don't give a rat's ass, turn it down!!!!" his father yelled.

"Okay," Albert replied depressed.

Mr. Wesker continues to watch his violent sex operas and drink his beer until 10 minutes later when the radio started blaring again. It said, "Isn't it awesome when your girlfriend decides to put thousands of objects down her vajina?"

"Hell ye… Albert, I told you to turn that super ultra mega sexy radio show down. Get over here!" said Mr. Wesker maliciously.

"But…"

"Albert!" his father interrupted.

Albert walks over and his father opens up his emergency beer bottle and shoves it in the obstinate 4 year olds mouth.

"This is an example of punishment, don't have that radio so fucking loud!!" he yelled in his face.

He takes the bottle out of Albert's mouth and the drunken child replies, "Hey Dad, how much stuff is in your vagina?"

"I'm not a girl, asks your mother!" he yelled.

"I don't care about her yet, answer me." The drunken boy said.

Mr. Wesker goes into his "secret vault" where he keeps his booze, Cuban cigars, porn mags and porn tapes and get's his newest porno movie. Then he takes the beer bottle and breaks Albert's radio.

Suddenly, a Police Officer came in the door.

"Word on the street is your son is drunk." Said the officer.

"Uh…" said Mr. Wesker.

"Hot prostitutes who spy through your window do not lie, you're under arrest for child abuse." Said the cop.

"That's my mommy." Said Albert still drunk.

So Albert was drunk through the night while his father was facing 17 years in jail, and now Wesker became warped and that's where he is today.


	5. 1986: Ada Wong

Chapter 5: Ada 1986 (Any similar names in this chapter are coincidental)

Ada is in her bedroom watching shows about slutty spies known as "Unidentified Spying Sluts." The main character (Jennifer Marsh) flies into her nemeses' fortress and has sex with the prison guard for information and pleasure. The Chinese 12 year old get's ideas.

"I could and will do that stunt easily." Ada snickered to herself. That night, Ada gathered her spy gear (Night vision goggles, grapple gun, notebook, easy-carry case, stethoscope, and the slutty dark red dress) and waited until 11:00pm to go outside.

"Time to infiltrate the Robinson's house." she whispered. She takes out her grapple gun and shoots it at the kitchen window. She put's the stethoscope up against the wall and hears no noise. Then she takes out her goggles, searches, and records her findings. (Nothing interesting) She goes into the living room and repeats the process, but she hears footsteps in the hallway. The person in the hallway turns out to be their 11-year old son (Jake Robinson) who notices her and took out a TMP (Tactical Machine Pistol) which he aims threateningly at her.

"Hello." She said with a quiver in her voice.

"Who are you red-dressed girl?" he asked.

"Ada Wong," she says, signaling don't shoot.

"Get out of here or this custom TMP will be blasting 1000 bullets in your heart," He threatened menacingly.

"You don't want to have sex?" she asked.

"Hold the phone Ada, You didn't mention that. I don't bring out a machine gun to a girl should I know she wants sex!!" he yelled.

"Is that a yes?" Ada asked._ I can't believe an 11-year old boy knows sex like that, _she thought.

20 Minutes later.

"…WOW," Ada said. (I'm not trying to point out the obvious) They did it.

"Awesome!" Jake said.

Who's…? JAKE!!!!!!" said his father holding a Grenade launcher.

"Uh dad, she uh, she… Raped me!!!!!!!!!" he yelled accusingly to Ada.

"What the…"

"Young lady, you're coming with me to your parents!!" said Jake's dad.

(You think Ada's a virgin until this point, guess again. She did it as a 10-year-old.)

"Mrs. Wong, guess what I found my son viol… am I interrupting something?" said Jake's dad walking in on Ada's parents doing what Ada had done.

"Ada, what did we tell you about sneaking into a neighbors house and doing it with one of them?" asked Mr. Wong.

"Pick one or the other and wait until I'm 15." Ada replied.

"No, we said 18, married, and only with your husband!" Ada's dad said.

"No, you said 15 with whoever the hell I feel like it whenever I want to." Ada responded.

"Alright Ms. Adrian Sassmouth, to bed with you!" Mrs. Wong yelled.

Ada walks to her bedroom, she thinks to herself,"_ You'll find a nice little surprise in you breakfast tomorrow, mother!"_

She put extra strong anti-aphrodisiac in it.


	6. 1988: Jill Valentine

Chapter 6: Jill 1988

Jill is doing what she loves with her 14 year-old body, and keeping it real.

"How many guys have I done this week?" Jill asked looking at an abnormally large blue book labeled "Scores!!!!"

"178 and my record is 180, 3 more, and my records been beat! Only 4 abortions as well!" she exclaimed to herself.

"Jillian, did you break up with your 96th boyfriend yet?" asked Dick.

"Maybe," said Jill.

"I have a task for you!" said Dick.

"Well, hurry up dad, what are you waiting for. Get in the car!!!" yelled Jill who had suddenly appeared in the car.

They go to the "Museum of Valuable Items which Thieves would make a fortune of if they robbed even one item from it."

"Security Guard, Jillian!" he whispered.

"Gotcha, the clothes are coming off!" said Jill excitedly.

"Ho…ly shazbot" (random word) said the utterly seduced security guard.

"I have a gun!" Jill said somehow not getting the point of what she just did.

The guard doesn't care what Jill said to the fact that she's nude. Too bad she didn't know Chris at this point.

"Almost done Jill!" Dick yelled.

"I've got an appointment, time to go!" said Jill.

So basically, Dick got his items and Jill didn't get laid.

"Dean, I'll see you in the abandoned warehouse tonight. Remember, you don't need to wear clothes inside until we're done. Okay, okay, I'll… Okay, I'll see you tonight. See you." Jill told her boyfriend on the phone.

"Jillian, your boyfriend called, he said he'll see you in the graveyard at 7:00. Remember to be home by noon next week or your in huge trouble." Dick said.

"Okay, two appointments, one more and I beat my record!" said Jill holding her Score Book.

Thus Jill is getting double laid and tries to beat her score record.


End file.
